First Born…
I am a first born and I am feeling the burden now. It’s not a burden I would say, but the feeling of responsibility is already catching up on me. I can now say that experience is a very good teacher in life. I can safely say that Mr. Experience is teaching me hard now. Very hard. I’ve done a lot of thinking these past few days. Reality is a kind of bitch I would say. But everybody can say that reality and real life is a bitch. Now I know why. I don’t know. Is it that I think too much or what?
It seemed that I fucked up already. I should have not made that decision a long time ago. Things are starting to sort themselves out slowly and I am slowly realizing it. Wow. I don’t know, like what people said, the sweeter things in life come first than the bitter things. I don’t even know what the hell I am saying right now.
Like what my teacher told us before, from the way he told us back in 2006, it seemed that it was a parable of some kind. Here goes;
‘Life is like a see-saw. Each end of the see-saw is divided into two elements, sweeter things in life and bitter things in life. People can choose which side to sit but have to face the consequence later. The option is up to us on where to sit. For people that chose to go for the bitter side first, they will experience the bitter experience first then they will receive the sweeter things in life. To those who went to go to the sweeter side first, they will experience all the good things in life first but then, the bitter part will catch up with them sooner or later. To them that are wise, they will go with the bitter part first and the vice versa to them that chose the vice versa.’
Thinking back, I do realize that what he told us is so true in a lot of ways. True that experience can make men wiser and all and wisdom can only be gained only through experience, but the transition from experience to wisdom is not an easy task to go through. Going through the experience is kind of painful and all, but the things gained from the experience can help a lot.
Right now, I am so guilty towards my parents. They have been working their asses off to feed us their children. Working to give us what we need and all. This year is quite tough for them. I know. With my sister going off for her studies, and then the trip to Singapore and me, with my rented house shit, they are going through a lot now. And I am at guilt at the most immense level now. I don’t know, maybe this is what people said, the coming of age. And I am coming to the age of the adults now. And I am not quite that ready to go through all that.
I don’t know what I should do to ease their burdens. You see, being the first born bears a lot of responsibilities. It’s not easy being the first born of the family. People looked up to you, expecting that we can be the family’s pride and all that. But now I see that I am not that kind of first born. My sister is kind of the family’s pride now. Don’t get me wrong, I am not envious towards my sister at all. In fact, I am very proud of her doing better than me. It’s just that, when people suddenly took notice that the one younger than me is doing a lot better than me, the expectations and all the whatnot that I’ve gone through all this while is all gone now. And I am not used to that even though that’s what I wanted. Things don’t feel right. Maybe I got what I wished for. Well, maybe not all first born are meant to do great. And I am one of them. Maybe. We never know. I don’t know how to make it up with my parents. They have this son that is really not what they expected. I won’t go to the length to say that I am a failure but I can consider that.
At the back of my head, I kept thinking that I am not making the lives of my parents any easier. Sometimes, I think that, what I am doing now is just making it worse for them. I am not a parent yet but I kind of getting the glimpse of what is in their head. And thinking back, I am kind of the black sheep of the family. I get this bad temper, I do things my way all the time and all. Go ask and you’ll know. I don’t know what got into me this evening. At one point, I feel ashamed to face my own family. I have done a lot of fucked up shit that I am not proud of. Now that I have this rented house thing going on, plus the BMX thing and shit, I know that I have fucked up. Real big. I am not a great role model for my brothers back home. I know. I just know.
I don’t know what to do. I can on and on bashing myself but they won’t make things better. I am writing this to let myself feel relieved in some way. Writing releases me from reality in a way or another. To be honest, after lots of thinking, I get that I depressed. Not depressed in that bad way or another, I just don’t know how to put it into words.
I screwed up.
That’s it. Being the first born is not easy.
