A lone ranger…

Yesterday was my birthday. 25^th of February was birthday and this is the first time that I had my birthday far from my family. Well yeah. What do you expect when you study in Malaya and your family is Sarawak? Of course the birthday will be far from the family. The feeling of farness id very much felt when you are kinda close to your family. Yeah. I could say that I am quite close to my family. Yeah. Every birthday, the moment we walked outta the door of our room after waking up, kisses and wishes would be given and that to me, is the perfect gift anyone could have. I am lucky that I get that gift every year for the rest of my current life. I don’t mind didn’t getting any gifts or wishes from others as long as I get the gifts that I have said above. Now that I am 19, how should I put this… it is kinda weird that all the gifts I usually received are not there during the birthday. But what the hell, phone calls are suffice and I am thankful for that already. Being that far from your family really do had an impact to your dear life.

Humans are different in places. Yeah. I know. For all I know, if I had my birthday back at home, all I want are some time alone and watch tv or play games peacefully or driving. Just driving where my head wants to be at. My birthday here is really lonesome. Or shall I say, pathetic? Or ironic? I don’t know. I wished that I wanted some time alone when I’m back at home, now that I am far from home, the time alone is really so lonesome and I didn’t expect that it would be that lonesome. Bullshit, I really felt alone for the first time yesterday. But yeah… I planned to celebrate my birthday at KFC or going out somewhere today, all got screwed and not according to plan. What the hell, KHAR’s usual mini night market is okay already. I bought myself a kebab and sirap oren. Nice right? And then spend some time watching random movies I stored in my laptop and then watched BMX videos up in Youtube. Yeah, I guess that my wish was granted here, instead of home. Yeah. Now that I missed home, all the wishes I wished seemed like a bad idea after all.

I missed the sounds of my family back at home. The shouts of Arig, the chats with Avit and the umpats with Adeline. And of course the house would not be complete with the meaningful nags of my momma and the advises from my pops. Yeah. Knowing that I am already accustomed to all of that, without the sounds of them, life sure is getting lonely and lifeless. Being the eldest sure sucks sometimes but that is what fate had brought along with her. No use complaining and all. I am just not used to the lonely mornings and the delicious breakfast that my folks would have prepared. Humble breakfast but heartily fulfilling.

Argh! Momma’s kuey tiow suddenly crossed my mind!

What the hell. I am getting myself a hearty breakfast later this morning. If I am able to wake up early that is. Haha. Oh well… I gotta try. At least.haha. Nevermind that.

*sigh* the love? What can I say? I usually don’t talk private shits here but yeah, can you please understand that yesterday was my day? Why can’t you enjoy the day together with me and be happy about it instead of hammering me with all your temper? Argh~ Nevermind laa…

Wow. This is a long post.haha

Happy birthday to me! Can’t wait for my bike’s seat this late afternoon!

Peace!

PS-"Fate! There is such a thing as fate, but it only takes you so far. Then it's up to you to make it happen.'' - Can't Hardly Wait

Tootsy...

I am not a romantic dude. I am a coward when it comes to girls. Such a wonder that I managed to stay with my girl this long. Yeah. Starting this year, it has been 3 years that my girl and I have been together. It's not official yet though, have to wait until May then it is official.

Yeah. By the rise of the next sun I will be a step higher in the walks of life. This season marks my 19th season in this world of logic and beauty and I am not loving it. I wanted to stay young and I already felt myself as an old dude with an attitude problem. Damn. And I will be alone during the next sun rise. Not to say I am loving it, but it's a change from what's normal than before. Yeah. I guess how must it felt not receiving a morning kiss with smiles all around the faces of loved ones. yeah. This season, I will have Ribena and an instant noodle meal as my welcoming of the year meal. Not the usual Chinese meal like I used to have back in the days.

Phone calls would suffice though. Well, life is an experience and I am learning bit by bit now. Flames won't be blown and it's okay. Maybe I would have a meal myself at KFC? Maybe? Or just some Chinese meal? Yeah. Anything would be fine. Even at mamak's would be okay. Yeah. I sounded pathetic now. At least I have still have my loved ones and I am already thankful for that. This maybe sounds rare but I thanked God for each year of my life, for giving me the chance of living the life that many others would not have or what? Experience? I don't know. With each day I am able to learn new things and all that sorta stuff. And I sounded like my former school principal now. Damn. See, I told you that I am kinda old now. Damn. Haha. I have to make something for myself during the next 24 hours. The next 24 hours would be mine albeit short lived. It's okay. And why the eff am I keep repeating ' It's okay'?? Arghh~~ I have to control the swearing for my Lady Boss would be reading this.

My aim this season would be learning how to cook from my pops. I must learn his sweet stewed pork and for me honestly, that kinda cooking must be inherited from him. I wanted to so that my sons and daughters would be able to taste what their grandpapa is capable of doing. And what I meant was his cooking. Yeah. Must.

I don't know what should I rant in here. Yeah.

Peace!

PS-Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

I am in deep...

Three posts in one day? Nice. Argghh~ It is official. I am in deep shit of mental state right now. I am not depressed. I am not... what? I don't know. I just don't feel right. Something is missing and I don't know what the fuck is that. Shit man. I felt down.

The PTPTN money is running out faster than I thought. Shit. And there I was trying to bajet my spendings. I bought myself a BMX in hoping that I have something that can make me feel it is worth it to live for a while. But then, yeah. I don't know. Maybe I was trying so hard to be different and all. I dress different, I acted different and shit. For all I know, I just don't want be in this place of shit. And I am feeling that time is catching up with me, the assignments are getting harder and people talked like they are adults by now. I don't. I am not that kinda people. Although the assignments can be killing but I still acted cool eventhough shit will be submitted in short period of time to come. Arghh~

The memories just keeps on coming back. What the fuck. I love being alone and I enjoy being alone but sometimes shit is just too thick to be that alone. Humans need companion and I don't have any companion except for Mary Silvana. Arghh~ What is wrong with me.

I watched Youtube for hours on end. Watching the same BMX vids or some random comic standup acts that I alone could understand. I read Obefiend and Cob Nobbler for hours as well. Reading posts way back from a few years to a few months. I bought Malaysian comics and I read them and shit. I what? I don't know. I don't have a fucking life here like I was in Miri. This place is boring and I don't know why. Kuala Lumpur is kinda far and I don't know where to go there. Shit. Even my BMX, I did'nt even touch her today. What the fuck is wrong with me these couple of days? Arghh~ I rode my bike yesterday and that's it, I just don't know where to go around here and this place is shit for highways. What the fuck. Back in Borneo, highways are meant for long distance and not like here. You go out of the traffic light and the next thing you know is you are on a highway already. Shit. I miss mee kolok.

Damn... What can I say? I don't know what to say anymore. Shit. Nuff' said.

Peace!

P/S- Why are you eating that?pregnant mothers eat that sorta stuff.

What if...

What if...

People stopped growing up?

What if...

Rushing to get old doesn't exist?

What if...

Manga is the textbook of life?

What if...

Religion doesn't exists?

What if...

The world is based on logics?

What if...

Money doesn't exists?

What if...

Countries don't exists?

What if...

Races don't exists?

What if...

Cartoon characters come to life?

What if...

Humans don't exist?

What if Gaia gets mad?

What if?

What's with the poseur-ism?

Malaysian is notorious for copy-pasting people's work. Well, it IS the nature of Malaysian and I am not proud of that shit. If people asked from where I am, I put myself as a people of Borneo first, then Malaysian. It's as serious as that. Call me whatever but I rather call myself a Borneoan, not Malaysian. I have weak patriotism and I like that. Shieett~

Yeah. The result of a copy pasta-ing. It's a Mitsubishi Lancer for Najib's sake. Damn. The very first Malaysian car is also a result of copy pasta-ing. Serious shit.

Ask any Japanese who lived through the 80's and they'll know that this car was actually a Japanese car with better quality and shit. Yeah. Japanese are quality cars. Too bad that Malaysian engineers are not able to meet the standards of a good, quality car.

Yeah. For all that shit, I don't mind because, with these copy pasting, my parents are able to buy a car for the family and THAT is the only good thing about Proton. Cheap, shitty cars.

Nevermind that. The latest Malaysian issue, for me, is the change in intake for university students. What the fuck? September intakes? Are you fucken kidding my balls? Damn man. I was furious when I read it on the papers. Shit man. Why September? The July intake was perfect as hell and no one was complaining. I loved July intakes. And guess what? The shitholes of KPTM changed to September? What the fuck was their old brains thinking about?

The reason of change was so that universities in Malaysia will be on the same term intake as the international unis. What the fuck again? Alright. The unis abroad have different KPTM and why are the peoples of KPTM wanted to follow that shit? Reason? So that more Malaysian students have time to think on which unis they should go and shit. AND so that more international students come and study at this supposedly beloved country. But why? why the fuck fuckers? Malaysian students are notorious for their short focus span and the September intakes would be the time where the will to study already at their minimum level. So... yeah. And why the fuck would international students come here and study? Their universities is so much better in terms of thinking and so on. Or is it the students that came bertandang here are the failed ones, coming here to redeem themselves? Arghh~

Either way... the September intakes would ruin Christmas, New Year, Chinese New Year, Gawai and Kaamatan and shit. Why KPTM? Why? Why so selfish? And what the fuck?

Fuck. Ain't no peace no more.

P/S- Your mama smells so bad that the Gaia raises temperature.

How I Met You...

Today is 11 of February 2011. So wise for me to share a story of how we met.

I met you at a place called St. Francis of Asisi seminary in Miri. I spotted you sitting alone under the tree. I didn't take that much notice in you at that time. I was playing fool with Pharaldis and was under the influence of thinking myself supercool. What? Still, I saw you sitting silently under the tree. I was waiting for the rest of the family to come and complete the line-up. There was Pharadis, Pierina, Anamaria, my sister and I, so it was practically cousin's outing time. Oh ya, it was Life in Service Seminar or LSS for short. I despised going to these kinds of religious seminars but what can I do? I was only 16 by that time. Everything was decided by my Lady Boss, my dearest momma. So yeah, back here please. So we cousins decided to sit under the tree and I sat next to you, still thinking myself superfly and cool. I glanced at you a few times during we cousins conversing and I started to think that your are kinda cute. So yeah, shy mode? On. When it's time to register, you asked what time it is and I trembled a little. I am a shy guy okay (yeah right). So yeah.. you are cute. It was automatically embedded in this little ugly meat in my skull and I am clueless as what happens next. For all I know, my days to come would be filled with these little stares I will be giving you.

I observed you. During the talks and and activities, you are close to my cousins and my sister. Not that I am a stalker or something, I just like to look at you. I don't know why but I do enjoy the view of you. You were laughing away and smiling so ever sweetly, how can I resist not to look at you. You saw me and you smiled. I smiled back and how excited I was when you smiled back at me. I was like on top of the world and ecstatic beyond any. haha. Well, we were young and everything seemed so free. I talked to Pharaldis about you, how cute you look and all. It was the night before we make our confessions to the Father-in-charge. Pharaldis asked me to get your number, I shunned, saying a girl like you will most probably in a relationship and I don't wanna disturb people's relationship and all that crappy stuff. I slept and I thought what Pharaldis had said to me before hard. Yeah. The day after, it was confessions time and Pharaldis and I were sitting behind you. I searched for you and thank God that the seats behind you were empty. So we were talking and talking until it's our turn to make our confessions. We separated and go our own way after that.

You laughed when Basil and I were penalised for making shit in the chapel. How sweet and innocent the laugh was. You took my heart away without you knowing it. And I am falling fast.

It was dinner and people were eating their meal heartily and I am included. As I make my way out, there you are! Sitting on the stairs, with my cousins and you were smiling at me, I smiled back. How simple life was. Thanks to your smile, I ate my meal heartily. Thanks. I could not forget that smile till this day. The smile that struck me direct to the heart. I have made myself a promise that I must get to have your number by the end of the seminar. The next day, it was a practice day for our performance on the last day. There were people playing softball on the field and my group was rehearsing on some stage on the field there. Then come your group, wanted to practice there too. And you were texting on your phone during the rehearsal break. I lose hope immediately, knowing that my chance to get to know you pulverized to the heavens. Arghh~ I was feeling down and I pretended to be okay about it. Of course I should, or else I would be a sore loser because I am feeling down for a girl I knew just by name.

You were so close yet so far to me. The final part of the night was exciting. People were singing, giving praise to the big G, all happy and enjoying the moment. And there you are. Just a row ahead of mine. How I wanted to tell you that I wanted to hold your hands even just for a minute. I wanted you to know that I liked you and I wanted to know you more. I want you. How I wish you know what was in my mind that time. But there you are. Singing happily. I smiled watching you enjoyed yourself. Pretty.

It was the last day. People lined themselves up, all wanted to go back home sweet home. Me and you included. I know. I am not that kinda guy who approach the females and asked for their number. I am not. I am coward. I know you will go home and leave me behind with all those sweet short lived memory. Yeah. There you go... In the maroon Toyota Avanza, smiling towards me, I smiled back. I waved goodbye to you and I am sure that will be the last time I saw you. Yeah. I am looking forward for home.

Then...

My sister gave me a pair of numbers. Celcom and DiGi. What? I read the name Mary up on that little piece of paper. Wow. My heart was racing like hell. Thank God. The number was meant for my sister but thanks to her, the number is in my hands now. How I ecstatic I was!

I texted her and things started rolling from there. Till now. It was 2008 and things are still going well in 2011. I love you Mary Silvana. Happy anniversary. Mwahx!

p/s- Love gets you going when shit gets tough. Love is a drug and there is no cure. yeah.

Me and my wandering soul...

Ahh... After a while. I am slowly turning myself into a pig here. yeah. I am getting superciliously fat. Not that I want to be some skinny poseurs and all, but I dislike getting fat. I won't be able to wear all the cool clothes that the market have to offer. yeah. Whatever.

The point is, my life here sucks. What can I say? The assignments suck, the food sucks, the view sucks, everything sucks! What the fuck. All this suckness makes me curse even better in time. Seriously. I can say fuck you with no guilt and whatever moral shit there is. One thing's for sure, there is no place like home. Here is not home even though I am living in a rented house by next semester. Serious shit man. This place here, fengshui-ishly, is bad for health. Why not? Where the fuck is the beach that I used to grow with? Damn. All I see here is the damned river flowing like not very majestically. I even desperately alter one of photos to look that I am on a beach. yeah. I am ranting so evil right now. Like I give freakin' lizard's shit. I eat the same crap like almost on a daily basis and shit. I can say that my spending here is so sad. I saved well and I know that ain't me. Arghh~

I need something to cheer me up. I don't need a person. I need a bunch of dudes who have this same sense of humor as me. Girls are welcome too. Arghh~ shit man. I hate reality. Reality sucks. I want to dream in a dream where everything is so laid back and stuffs, everyone just cared for their own business, where people smiled to each other, where cars don't exists, where the only means of transportation is soft fluffy white clouds that can take you wherever you go. There is no world like that. Reality sucks so bad that I have to grow my beards and pretend that my wife died. What the fuckin' fuck? Well... Shit is shit and all I want to do now is curse so bad till my tongue drop and I would be mute forever. yeah. I have this twisted mind that Aira Labyrinth and Han Rai Sam would understand. Shits.

I am an actor. I act so good that people would think that is the real stuff. I be acting kinda crazy this few days may be attributed too something that I am not willing to admit. I do stuffs to cover what I really felt deep down this heart of mine. I am an entertainer that entertains people just so I can see smiles on their faces. It helps a bit watching them smile. God? yeah. People said talking to the big G helps. I am not that kinda people who likes to talk about what I have inside. The only person I REALLY can talk to is Mary Silvana. Love of my life. She's been there since ever. How can I go on without her. Seriously. I might sound cheesy and all but that is the truth. She keeps me going and I am grateful that the big G made her for me. I guess she's sleeping by now. Damn I miss her. Where was I? arghh~

Owh ya... making people smile also helps in getting through. I make fun of myself and thus making them smile would be a reward enough for me eventhough I might be not that funny sometimes. I guess I kinda knew what comedians felt. They entertain for the sake of helping their little hearts go through some emotional breakdown. Now I know what they feel. yeah. Whatever. I have to go through each day with this little feeling have that I tuck safely away, out of people's preying eyes. University is a place where actors really shine. And I am one of those actors who act on this wonderful stage where the spectator is the big G and all his cohorts. yeah. I listen to songs to keep myself out from the world. Since my headphone is a little bit busted, I have to use the good' o' earphone that I have from my older Nokia. I am shunning myself out in broad daylight. I smiled, I laughed, I joked, I act. I do what it takes to make the performance a success. The only me is only known to her.

How should I go on wit these... I miss the voices of my family. yeah. Being the eldest in the family really do put a strain on my delicate nerves in my little skull. I hate being expected. Not to say hate, I dislike. And being the eldest, I will be the one that is always far from the family no matter what. Now that I am this far, the separation makes shit a tad worse than what I have ever faced. Life is a lesson to learn no matter what. I learnt my lesson. Family is far the most important thing in life. When you are at home, you won't feel that way. Trust me. All you want to is to be as far as possible from them. Now that after you are that far, all you want to do is be home 24/7. I know. I felt the same way. yeah.

Enough. The conclusion is, I am homesick.haha~ Miss you Mary Silvana! How I wish you are here with me now!

Peace!

p/s- The architect of life once said, you will never be what you always dreamed off, you will be what others want of you.