Ahh... After a while. I am slowly turning myself into a pig here. yeah. I am getting superciliously fat. Not that I want to be some skinny poseurs and all, but I dislike getting fat. I won't be able to wear all the cool clothes that the market have to offer. yeah. Whatever.
The point is, my life here sucks. What can I say? The assignments suck, the food sucks, the view sucks, everything sucks! What the fuck. All this suckness makes me curse even better in time. Seriously. I can say fuck you with no guilt and whatever moral shit there is. One thing's for sure, there is no place like home. Here is not home even though I am living in a rented house by next semester. Serious shit man. This place here, fengshui-ishly, is bad for health. Why not? Where the fuck is the beach that I used to grow with? Damn. All I see here is the damned river flowing like not very majestically. I even desperately alter one of photos to look that I am on a beach. yeah. I am ranting so evil right now. Like I give freakin' lizard's shit. I eat the same crap like almost on a daily basis and shit. I can say that my spending here is so sad. I saved well and I know that ain't me. Arghh~
I need something to cheer me up. I don't need a person. I need a bunch of dudes who have this same sense of humor as me. Girls are welcome too. Arghh~ shit man. I hate reality. Reality sucks. I want to dream in a dream where everything is so laid back and stuffs, everyone just cared for their own business, where people smiled to each other, where cars don't exists, where the only means of transportation is soft fluffy white clouds that can take you wherever you go. There is no world like that. Reality sucks so bad that I have to grow my beards and pretend that my wife died. What the fuckin' fuck? Well... Shit is shit and all I want to do now is curse so bad till my tongue drop and I would be mute forever. yeah. I have this twisted mind that Aira Labyrinth and Han Rai Sam would understand. Shits.
I am an actor. I act so good that people would think that is the real stuff. I be acting kinda crazy this few days may be attributed too something that I am not willing to admit. I do stuffs to cover what I really felt deep down this heart of mine. I am an entertainer that entertains people just so I can see smiles on their faces. It helps a bit watching them smile. God? yeah. People said talking to the big G helps. I am not that kinda people who likes to talk about what I have inside. The only person I REALLY can talk to is Mary Silvana. Love of my life. She's been there since ever. How can I go on without her. Seriously. I might sound cheesy and all but that is the truth. She keeps me going and I am grateful that the big G made her for me. I guess she's sleeping by now. Damn I miss her. Where was I? arghh~
Owh ya... making people smile also helps in getting through. I make fun of myself and thus making them smile would be a reward enough for me eventhough I might be not that funny sometimes. I guess I kinda knew what comedians felt. They entertain for the sake of helping their little hearts go through some emotional breakdown. Now I know what they feel. yeah. Whatever. I have to go through each day with this little feeling have that I tuck safely away, out of people's preying eyes. University is a place where actors really shine. And I am one of those actors who act on this wonderful stage where the spectator is the big G and all his cohorts. yeah. I listen to songs to keep myself out from the world. Since my headphone is a little bit busted, I have to use the good' o' earphone that I have from my older Nokia. I am shunning myself out in broad daylight. I smiled, I laughed, I joked, I act. I do what it takes to make the performance a success. The only me is only known to her.
How should I go on wit these... I miss the voices of my family. yeah. Being the eldest in the family really do put a strain on my delicate nerves in my little skull. I hate being expected. Not to say hate, I dislike. And being the eldest, I will be the one that is always far from the family no matter what. Now that I am this far, the separation makes shit a tad worse than what I have ever faced. Life is a lesson to learn no matter what. I learnt my lesson. Family is far the most important thing in life. When you are at home, you won't feel that way. Trust me. All you want to is to be as far as possible from them. Now that after you are that far, all you want to do is be home 24/7. I know. I felt the same way. yeah.
Enough. The conclusion is, I am homesick.haha~ Miss you Mary Silvana! How I wish you are here with me now!
Peace!
p/s- The architect of life once said, you will never be what you always dreamed off, you will be what others want of you.
